THE BIG TIM THREAD

[MATT DAMON]

1 Some kids piss their name in the snow. BIG TIM can piss his name into concrete.

2 Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. BIG TIM can kill 100 percent of whatever the fu*k he wants.

3 BIG TIM calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools BIG TIM.

4 BIG TIM counted to infinity - twice.

5 BIG TIM tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

5 BIG TIM does not sleep. He waits.

6 BIG TIM can speak braille.

7 Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of BIG TIM sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

8 BIG TIM can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

9 On a high school math test, BIG TIM put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because BIG TIM uses violence to solve evrything.

10 BIG TIM puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

13 BIG TIM can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

14 BIG TIM once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves

15 BIG TIM can delete the Recycling Bin.

16 Once a cobra biT BIG TIM'S was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

18 BIG TIM died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

19 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for BIG TIM

20 If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but BIG TIM says its beef then its fuc**ng beef

21 Giraffes were created when BIG TIM uppercut a horse.

22 BIG TIMS dog is trained to pick up his own poop because BIG TIM dosent take sh*t from anyone.

23 BIG TIM can kill two stones with one bird.

32 BIG TIM doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

33 BIG TIM The best part of waking up is not beer in your cup, but knowing that BIG TIM can play the violin with a piano

37 BIG TIM BIG TIM Ghosts are actually caused by BIG TIMBill Gates lives in constant fear that BIG TIM'sDeath once had a near-BIG TIM was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because BIG TIM never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

44 BIG TIM can strangle you with a cordless phone.

45 BIG TIM plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

47 BIG TIM has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

48 The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with BIG TIMM.

49 MC. Hammer learned the hard way that BIG TIM is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like BIG TIM

49 BIG TIM once punched a man in the soul.

54 BIG TIM is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

55 BIG TIM can drown a fish.

56 It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel.BIG TIM GOES UP IN NIAGARA FALLS IN A CARDBOARD BOX.

57 BIG TIM once had a heart attack; his heart lost.


58 BIG TIM doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way.

63 A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to BIG TIM.

64 BIG TIM doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

65 When God said, "Let there be light", BIG TIM SAID SAY PLEASE.

73 BIG TIM can tie his shoes with his feet.

74 The quickest way to a man's heart is with BIG TIMS FIST.

75 BIG TIM is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

76 Pinatas were made in an attempt to get BIG TIM TO STOP punching people.
77 BIG TIM is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

78 BIG TIM does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

80 BIG TIM was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
82 BIG TIM doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

83 The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns BIG TIM is real.

84 BIG TIM used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

85 Bullets dodge BIG TIM.

86 BIG TIM cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what BIG TIM says.

87 We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad BIG TIM doesn't believe in magic.

89 The grass is always greener on the other side, unless BIG TIM has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

[BI6TIM]

You know it!!!

Chuck Norris is a bow legged pussy!

[OED666]

lollerskates...

[Gozza]

First Post wtfness?

no homo?

[Bipolar]

K?

Did BT kill CN?

[Damo]

How do you like them apples ?

[[Sterling]]

gey! -1

[Gunns]

I'll rip your balls off and shove them up your ass so the next tim you shit, you shit all over your balls, got it !

[[Sterling]]

F.A.G lolz ^^^

[get_an_ea_today]

wtf haha

[braiden]

O_o

[Rollin]

Maaaaaaaaaaat Daaaaamon....

P.S. I hope this thread is also posted on AFF, with the last BTism being "BIG TIM Banned himself from AFF, lest the servers crash while trying to contain his awesomeness"

[|2aebird]

I'll rip your balls off and shove them up your ass so the next tim you shit, you shit all over your balls, got it !

Your mum shits all over my balls.

[old_mate]

edited because i haven't seen the movie, and someone got his thong into a bunch possibly causing a lack of blood flow to the head

[Gunns]

Gee well done F.A.G

Once again someone has not seen the movie and has missed the point completely

[Malakai]

BIG TIM doesn't open jars he gets his daughter to do it because he can't.

BIG TIM crosses to the other side of the street when he sees an ant on the footpath coming towards him.

BIG TIM won't have torches in his house because it hurts too much if he accidentally flashes himself in the eyes with one.

BIG TIM uses moisturising hand soap on automotive hoses so that they slip on easier.

BIG TIM gets halfway through entering his pin into an ATM and has to rest for a minute because he's tired.

BIG TIM shaves his head because the extra weight of the hair gives him a sore neck.

BIG TIM can't have click pens on his desk because he doesn't have the strength to click them.

BIG TIM put the nuts on a wheel of his car on so tight that the wheel fell off before he got out of the driveway.

BIG TIM can't use post it notes the glue holding them together is too strong for him to peel them apart.

BIG TIM has to have a power assisted toilet otherwise he finds it too hard to press the flush button.

BIG TIM only has phones that are permanently on speaker phone so that he doesn't have to try and lift up the handset.

BIG TIM threw a tennis ball once and crushed his big toe.

BIG TIM cut himself while changing the cd in his car stereo.


PS: Please don't hurt me Tim...

[BI6TIM]

BIG TIM uses moisturising hand soap on automotive hoses so that they slip on easier.

All true except for this one. Thanks for letting my secrets out Brett, you BASTARD!

[Gozza]

lol

If BigTim was just Tim he would go just as fast in a 3 Cylinder Charade as he will in a massively overpowered ED

[Rollin]

I can't decide weither Matt Damon is funnier than 89AIT or vice versa...

These two are very lol though:

BIG TIM gets halfway through entering his pin into an ATM and has to rest for a minute because he's tired.

BIG TIM can't have click pens on his desk because he doesn't have the strength to click them.

[UNEZED]

BIG TIM vs CHUCK NORRIS
I demand video footage or isnt there a camera that can handle that much awsomeness lol

[OED666]

BIG TIM must wear ear protection when his baby cries.

[BI6TIM]

BIG TIM vs CHUCK NORRIS
I demand video footage or isnt there a camera that can handle that much awsomeness lol

There will never be such a fight, refer to my first post in this thread which I have added below!

Chuck Norris is a bow legged pussy!

[G3R3N]

BIG TIM threw a tennis ball once and crushed his big toe.

This is why I love this forum, bahaha!

[OED666]

BIG TIM cant tie his shoe laces, the laces are too heavy.

BIG TIM is the boy in a bubble... he is allergic to EVERYTHING!!!

BIG TIM cant see, his eyes are too weak.

[[Sterling]]

BIG TIM vs CHUCK NORRIS
I demand video footage or isnt there a camera that can handle that much awsomeness lol

i demand to see this video!!!! or ban!