I am better than situps.

[Rollin]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[BlackED_Sprint]

That is quite possibly the funniest thing i have heard in my life!!!

outsmarting the missus FTW!

[oneredED]

That is fucking hilarious. I like it.

[Nikk O'lass]

ROFL!

[EFFalcon]

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[Damo]

I am better than situps.

[EF ECTIV]

that was fuckin gold.... women...

[[Sterling]]

just you and ur hand tonight aye rollin lol funny shit!!!

[braiden]

Aha. Once my missus say's that to me, it's on.

[UNEZED]

That was a pisser 2 read
she really didnt expect 2 hear you say that lol

[holmsy]

hahah thats a pisser.
nothin better then throwin it back in their faces. i do it all the time with different things

[Eb Barbie]

Bahahaha that is hilarious! Even from a gals point of view. (But don't get any ideas Pete )

[Airved]

That's excellent. I hate it when women say you're only interested in one thing. Men enjoy having women around for a few different reasons... cooking, cleaning, etc.

[Rollin]

(P.S. Guys I didn't actually write this, it was just an email I got sent that I thought needed to be shared around)

I love the last line "Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her." It's freakin gold

[Commando]

Reminds me of an email I got during the xmas break (I've been clearing out the inbox at work today)

Right before Christmas I was rushing around trying to
get some last-minute shopping done. I was stressed out
and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season
right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking
lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt
obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my
breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost
receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was
coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years
old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was
just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from
the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a
hundred-dollar bill in his hand.

Thinking he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked
him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said
that he came from a large family. He had three
brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he
was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and
worked two full-time jobs. She made very little to
support her large family. Nevertheless, she had
managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy
her children Christmas presents. The young boy had
been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her
second job. He was to use the money to buy presents
for all his siblings and save just enough to take the
bus home. He had not even entered the mall when an
older boy grabbed one of the hundred-dollar bills and
disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help? " I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you? " I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream? " I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered,
"Help me!" as if he were speaking to God.

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that
poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[nommic]

Bwahahaha! Best ending ever.

[nommic]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs: Phone rings, I answer, caller hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls, it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always look out for her taxi coming home, but she always comes walking up the driveway as I hear a car setting off...as if she had exited the car 'round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her?

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

[oneredED]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs: Phone rings, I answer, caller hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls, it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always look out for her taxi coming home, but she always comes walking up the driveway as I hear a car setting off...as if she had exited the car 'round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her?

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

LOL, didn't see that one coming.

[braiden]

Aha. Once my missus say's that to me, it's on.

[Airved]

My girlfriend loves it way too much to say no

[Malakai]

Rollin until half way through I thought this was an actual recount of something that happened to you. Then you started talking about buying clothing, shoes and jewellery for your GF and not go fast bits for your car and I knew it was not you recounting this story.

I like it though.

[Rollin]

Rollin until half way through I thought this was an actual recount of something that happened to you. Then you started talking about buying clothing, shoes and jewellery for your GF and not go fast bits for your car and I knew it was not you recounting this story.

I like it though.

Damn right! 'Sif by shit for other people when the ED isn't finished!

[sphell]

Haha gold....although all of that could be avoided by finding a g/f that likes sex as much as you do

[Bipolar]

Damn straight. But like I've said in another thread, nymphoes are great, but there always seems to be something about em you couldn't live with.

[old_mate]

If they didnt have tits or a box you'd shoot them

just my opinion, and im due to marry one in 9 months

[Maximus]

They're all great! Well done.

[Gunns]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try To guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003; it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please
And the flip side...
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Try running :/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support