Boosted Falcon

Ok I have one guy who would have to be the biggest wanker in one of the offices I work in.

Last week, he took the car which I had booked for a 30minute meeting at 2pm (mind you it takes 1hr to go each way to the meeting) so I took one of the trucks out of our store to go replace a PC.

I return the truck, find the car he was using back and took it home for my trip in the morning.

I forgot something in the office so I went there, I walked in and he was going off Tap at me. Asking me where I put his stolen truck. Im sitting here going WTF is he on about.

So I said calmly back, "I must be fairly talented to drive a car and a MR truck at the same time", he said I dont care where is my truck.

He decided to ask one of the boys in the store and they told him that the truck was swapped with someone for defence for the day. and the wanker quitly went back to his seat.

Im the IT/Asset Manager for this company and in the "Circle" with the big bosses, I got him in a fair bit of trouble for using me as a "Punching Bag" cause he was too stupid to ask questions.

Not the First time this wanker has started shit. But he is part of a quality company that employees alot of "Stupid Stupid Stupod people" and I wish they could can them all

Post your worst Workplace wanker storys here

I've had a different job since May last year. I moved from level 14 to level 1 of my building. There were emails, enewsletters and lots of people I told about it. I still get people asking me where I am now and what I'm doing, or asking how I like my new job 10 months later. A building full of farken space cadets.

There's a director in that office upstairs where I was that has always has a new Calais, unlimited fuel and never looks after it. It's always filthy, gets about 8000k's a month on it, and he manages to damage it every 2 months. His daughter ran into someone a couple of weeks ago. November last year he was complaining of it needing a wheel alignment. The steering wheel was about 70° clockwise, major underbody damage and the k frame and a z bar bush needed replacing. This kent doesn't deserve a car.

a guy i was workin for the the other day on a construction site was one of those nobs that rushes around at a million miles an hour tryin to get shit done without thinkin stuff through, and therefore feks up anything he touches. for instance,he asked me and his off sider to go and pick up some temporary fencing that was lyin around and chuck it on the roof of his 4wd. it had racks and shit so i thought, yep, should all be good. we gets the stuff on there and this guys goes to jump in the car and take off. i asked him if he wanted me to tie the stuff down so it wouldnt fall off, but hes like nah nah, she'll be right. i warned him that it wasnt sittin real steady but he wouldnt listen, so i let him go. walked back to the lunchroom a bit later and the young bloke tells me that the boss made it about 20 metres around the corner before it all came off. took a look at his car and the front end had scratches all over it and the bonnet was bent in on his new landcruiser. tool.

Theres this bloke that i work with, nice enough bloke and does a good job when he puts his mind to it but can be dopey as hell heres a couple of examples:

#1 We manufacture hydraulic componentry and we had an order to make 10 cylinders so anyways this bloke starts assembling them no worries, gets to the last one and puts the rod together without a gland nut (the glad nut keeps the gland, rod and piston inside the cylinder otherwise the aformentioned would shoot out a great rate of knots under pressure) and procedes to install it in the barrel only to realize it has to come completely apart again and heated to remove the retaining nut for the piston (loctited on)

#2 I'm an apprentice fitter and turner so every month a training dude comes out and goes through theory stuff with me (think about the most monotonous poorly worded rediculious questions about a given trade/tool/chemical and and you have to answer book's full of them) and i'm doing some assesment when this bloke storms in through the door and asks me to help him find a cylinder (at this point it was about 11am and i hadn't had breakfast or a break yet and i was as tired and bored as anything, it wasn't pleasant) so i said i was busy told him where the cylinder most likely was and to find the fkn thing himself so he went back out in the workshop and all you could hear is crashing and cursing coming from the shop while he looked for the thing.

Couple of hours later i'd finished my training and was having a feed (finally!) and the dude storms in again "i need you to help me find the cylinder" "i told you where the fkn thing was, you don't need me to help you find the fkn thing" "it's not there" so i went and got the cylinder from exactly where i said it was in plain fkn view and the bloke had wasted god knows how long looking for it.

and last but not least

The bloke had to weld some bits to some new cylinders and touch them up with paint, so here he is welding away with a aerosol can of touch up paint no more than 30cm away from the welding arc with spatter and shit spraying the can so i yell out at him but he didn't hear so i just stood there and watched as the spatter was just bouncing off this can and as soon as he stopped welding i walked over to him and blasted him only to get "nah it'll be alright in reply" i just took the can and walked off.

Decent fitters/turners are bloody hard to find!

Working at abbatoirs I get enough retarded people coming in and working. Its a pretty simple job once you get the hang of it (can be fully learnt in about a week) Youd be suprised how many people cant do the simplest things. For example: Scales/Pricing labeller. Theres a set of scales and a printer with screen. You put the product on the scales, once its levelled out a label with the weight and price is printed. Take the product off and stick the label on it. Repeat x 800 a day. Reckon thats easy? Friday there were about 150 fucked labels cos they kept touching the scales and printing more labels out at wrong prices, or sticking the wrong prices on the wrong product.
Maybe its just me being a sook cos I know what im doing, but it really pisses me off as I usually have to answer to the bosses for the fuckup!
/endrant

I have to work with a husband/wife.

The husband is great to work with. the wife is a fucking mole. She only works 6 hours a day 3:30 - 6:30 and 3:00 - 6 in the afternoon - yet she complains the most how she's tired and over worked.
I work for a company that has several dairy farms grouped together and a team on each farm. Basically the cows are milked twice daily and myself and the husband work during the day as well. We'd put in 12 hours most days sometimes up to 15 and we all work a 6 on 2 off roster.

For the amount of winging this woman does you'dd think she works 22 hours a day. She constantly has to piss off home for 15 - 20 mins to check the kid/ put wood on the fire / go to the toilet / check the kid / meet the kid from the school bus / go to the toilet / check the kid etc etc etc. The kid is 8yrs old and her eldest is 19 and always home.

Now the other day I got told that i get treated differently to her and her husband because i was allowed to go to town during the day which was to pick up some welding wire so I could do some repairs in the dairy and knock up a hay feeder for calves. Apparently they would never be allowed to do that. But wait they are allowed to go to town tommorrow to buy birthday presents for the kid so that blows that theory out of the water.
I also got told that i don't know what hard work ii. I do the majority of feeding on the farm which means 4hours a day on the tractor. I had had enough of the fucking mole so i said to her ' why don't you go home, work out how many hours you do, then divide that by how much you get and find out what you get compared to us and have a fucking laugh then stuff another menthol down your throat. Now i'm no a woman beater, have never hit a woman but i feel like punching this bitch in the mouth

Try contracting for a company who has a Government Contract..

I have a lady nearly having veins bust in her head because I was moving her files from her old computer to her new one, Mind you she was being demoted.

The company I contract for has a "Fair Employment Policy" and well lets just say they are more than fair, Managers are dopey shits, but usally the people under them are good, but they are dopey.

I have a 45yr old woman who I do not find attractive hit on me at least 5 times a day im in my office. I get comments like, "Oh im glad your back now I have something to look at", I was thinking and when I do I usally chew a pen, I had her pen, she said "Dont chew my pen, wouldnt want us to exchange bodily fluids accidentally, but if we both knew about it, it would be ok". I ask her today if shes comming upto the Mess for Lunch "Na I cant iv gotta go to the police station" and when she shows up back at work she tells me how she moved her daughter out of her husbands house etc etc like **** me go back to the westside bitch.

I did some stats on computer problems within the company, this is no lie. 97 Percent of issues are caused by SU and ID 10 T issues and 2 percent Hardware Failure, 1 percent my fault.

this guy rides a bike to get into work......... he crossed the road when i was going up the main road. I slowed down, he tried to go up the gutter but the bike decided not to. Went 2 metres in the air and stacked hard with his bike crashing on him. beeped my horn and laughed screaming "how would you feel". shouldov helped the guy. but its the funniest shit iv seen in a long time. best part at work now is.....he doesnt know i saw that happen. lol knobhead

Frost, TAP THAT SHIT!

kester94EF wrote:Frost, TAP THAT SHIT!

yeah...with a hammer... in the head

pHaT`eL wrote:Working at abbatoirs I get enough retarded people coming in and working. Its a pretty simple job once you get the hang of it (can be fully learnt in about a week) Youd be suprised how many people cant do the simplest things. For example: Scales/Pricing labeller. Theres a set of scales and a printer with screen. You put the product on the scales, once its levelled out a label with the weight and price is printed. Take the product off and stick the label on it. Repeat x 800 a day. Reckon thats easy? Friday there were about 150 fucked labels cos they kept touching the scales and printing more labels out at wrong prices, or sticking the wrong prices on the wrong product.
Maybe its just me being a sook cos I know what im doing, but it really pisses me off as I usually have to answer to the bosses for the fuckup!
/endrant

lol does catfish still work there?

Too much reading required in this thread.

As you were.

new car salesmen that think the whole world revolves around them , they think everyone just works to please them fucking annoying asshats, they dont seem to realise that fitments of things like gas tanks etc take more then a day.

Yeah I've got one at work. He's made me look like a dick in my boss's eyes, another senior engineer's eyes, & a sales contact's eyes.

I had a small job given to me which was meant to be quick & simple. I had an intersection with cluttered signage that needed the signage replaced/upgraded to VicRoads standards. I also needed to calculate where to locate the signs. So, I did a bit of reading, found the guidelines for signage location, calculated where they needed to be installed, then went ahead with a purchase order & instructions for the local in-house handyman regarding what signs to pull down & where to erect the new signage.

In-house handyman doesn't like who I've ordered the signs through, so he cancels the order on me, almost immediately after I'd arranged a sale with the aforementioned sales contact. He reorders through another mob at a price that's higher than my quote (which makes me look bad initially in my boss's eyes for telling him a lower price & then having the invoice come in much higher... and also for delaying the installation due to cancelling the original order).

When the signs finally come through, he installs the signs at a location "that suits him", rather than as-per VicRoads standards. So if someone were to have a stack at the intersection today, and it was found to be due to the drivers not being able to respond in time to the signs' instructions, I'd be held accountable for having signs installed in the wrong place because I'm the owner of the project.

So now I have to do more friggen work to justify my results and force the handyman to move the signage to where I said to put them. Which is a PITA because I had other work I was meant to be doing today, work which I told another senior engineer I'd have done today, but now have to delay making me look bad in front of this senior engineer... All because a f**king handyman can't/won't do his job right.

Just organise a quick two minute meeting with your boss, the other senior engineer, and the handyman. Get some paperwork from the place you originally ordered the signs through too, with the quoted price.

Also print the locations you calculated were appropriate.

Go into the meeting, ask the handyman whether he cancelled your original order. If he decides to lie and cover his own arse, THEN you pull out the paperwork and your calculations. That way not only did he **** a job up, he's also just lied in front of the boss about money.

After going through a few sets of standards today (Vicroads, NAASRA, & Australian Standards 1742), it turns out we're both right (and wrong) in a way

Signage has a really vague set of standards, and the requirements are ambiguous. I kind of went over-conservative with my calculations and based my distancing from the intersection for WARNING (yellow diamond) signs. My calculated distance out from the intersection happened to extend into a 100kph zone with further lengthened the distance.

The handyman went the absolute-minimum based on "urban" signage location, and technically they're guide signs rather than warning signs so this different set of guidelines can be followed, and his estimate happened to be within an 90kph zone with further shortened the distance. In reality he should've been more conservative since the speed limit is at the absolute-upper-limit for the recommended signage placement range (which isn't so much a calculation as a guideline) and he's picked close to the absolute minimum distance for the signage placement range when he should've opted for the maximum distance, although what he has done is technically acceptable...

I'm still pissed about the ordering being changed/delayed, and not being told about the placement changes at least (which have resulted in me wasting the morning finding the info required & going out on site to measure the actual location of the signage with respect to the intersection, etc etc). At least the signs are technically in the right based upon a different (yet still valid) set of guidelines. Standards shuold be friggen concrete/black+white, none of this fuzzy grey-area shit...

I'll explain to my boss and the senior engineer on Tuesday when they're both back. They should both be cool with it.

I'm currently dealing with someone at work who can only be described as the stupidest person on earth. Cant be bothered explaining what happened but she's causing me to stay at work alot longer than required and last night threatened to "punch me in the head" and so forth over absolutely nothing. She's a big mental hawaiian woman so i dont wanna take risks lol and am pushing for her to get fired or atleast transfered out of the building, because for the 5 days she's been working with me it's been hell...

kester94EF wrote:Frost, TAP THAT SHIT!

Rooting someone from the work place = Big No No...

Do u have a job where there are females kester?

**** YEH!! theres one chick in the office just turned 20 blonde and small NO joke (big bosses daughter)

farken... when I used to work at coles, I had a 16yo show me her latest piercing...

she was 16, it was on one nipple... she lifted her top I still fap to this day

ROFL brb putting my resume into coles

Commando wrote:farken... when I used to work at coles, I had a 16yo show me her latest piercing...

she was 16, it was on one nipple... she lifted her top I still fap to this day

for serious? on one nipple.. as opposed to those chicks with the one piercing on two nipples.. like a bar that goes aross it.. you tie the chains to the end so she can pull the plow. she'd be strong on plow.

glenneaux wrote:

Commando wrote:farken... when I used to work at coles, I had a 16yo show me her latest piercing...

she was 16, it was on one nipple... she lifted her top I still fap to this day

for serious? on one nipple.. as opposed to those chicks with the one piercing on two nipples.. like a bar that goes aross it.. you tie the chains to the end so she can pull the plow. she'd be strong on plow.

lmao very naise

Haha strange I know a girl who works at coles with one nipple pierced, she's the type that shows people too lol



When I used to work at KFC I'd get frustraited at people who smell and are gross... really aren't ment for retail
This one girl... (ever get into sonic the hedgehog? and the eggman...) she looked like eggman, fat, round, moustache...

She stinks, is loud anyway.. she picked her nose infront of a customer lol, i stood there with my mouth open, can still remember it to this day haha

one nipple piearcesad, ytwo tits ashonwn
'fucmk you IO'm trdrunk

Commando wrote:one nipple piearcesad, ytwo tits ashonwn
'fucmk you IO'm trdrunk

Thursday night!
Thats some top shit

fuvkc oatha

Dave said:
saif saty shit on boosatred
Dave said:
I’m pissaeed
Dave said:
iowiiiiiiooooooooooo

wooooooooooooakoooooo