Jokes to offend

[Schmee]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference! between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides


Just a short list you've probably heard someof them before

Im sure Y'all have some throw them up give us a laugh god knows we need it....

Kev

[[Sterling]]

i dont kno what to say but...lol hahahahahahaha

[oneredED]

Q: What's better than skiing down the mountain at Bulla?
A: Running down the slopes in Springvale.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Kick her in the guts.

Q: Whats pink and yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaters.
Q: What's yellow and green and floats in a pool?
A: That same baby 4 weeks later.

Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: Cripple after a house-fire.

Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon as they crossed the street?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up kunts.

Q: What's green and smells of bacon?
A: Kermit's fingers.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: When you hit a mosquito on the head it stops suckin.

Q: Why do husbands generally die before their wives?
A: Because they fuckin want to.

Meh, they're all shit, but maybe not everyone has heard them.

[Malakai]

I am very offended, but I expect that around here!

[Bipolar]

Meh, they're all shit, but maybe not everyone has heard them.

Never heard any of them. Some are pretty wrong, but there were still tears and choking

[Damo]

Q: What's better than skiing down the mountain at Bulla?
A: Running down the slopes in Springvale.

we have a winnah!!!1!

[Rmyers]

Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: Cripple after a house-fire

That ones gold!

[Rollin]

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

LOL!! They were all good but

There was this study a few years back, about the words most commonly used just before an accident.

In the city, it was "Oh, SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT"

In the country, it was "Here, hold my bundy and watch this for fucken skill!"

[Schmee]

You forgotten the one that all SS commodore's have been fitted with black box recorders similar to the ones used in plane, since there inception back in 1988 with the VN a staggering 95% that have been removed after minor and major accident have been played the recording of the last 5 seconds of these was " Watch this Bro!......faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr" and then cut off due to impact of the accident and loss of power.....

[Bipolar]

http://www.leenks.com/link96715.html
Makes up for years of seeing dudes get kicked in the balls.

[Damo]

What did the spic say when his home fell on him?
Get off me holmes!!

What do you call a little mexican?
A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.

Whats the object of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back.


What do you call a guy with his hand up a camels ass?
An Afghani mechanic!

Why don't they teach Drivers Ed. and Sex Ed. on the same day in the middle east?
The camels would get too tired!

Why are niggers getting stronger?
T.V.s are getting bigger!

What happened to the nigger who had an abortion?
Crime Stoppers sent her a check for $500!

How do you know if a chink robbed your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later the chink is still trying to back out of your driveway!

[Rollin]

Oh snap! Teh boosted falcon.net is no friend to political correctness!!

[Gunns]

Why do Abo's have one big nostril and one small nostril?

One for Desiel and one for unleaded.



4 Abo's drive a Honda Civic off a cliff and die what is the tragedy?

It was a 5 seater



What do you do if you see an abo walking around with half a head?

Stop laughing and reload.



How do you stop an abo from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

[oneredED]

LOL, I have heaps of abbo jokes, didn't think I'd post them but thanks for opening the gates Al

What's white and lays quivering in the gutter?
An abbo with the shit kicked out of him.

What do you call an Abbo rolling down a hill?
An Abolanche.

What do you call an Abo rolling UP a hill?
Black Magic.

What do you throw a drowning abo?
His wife and kids.

What goes "black-white-black-white-black-white" ?
An abo and a seagull fighting over a chip.

What do you call a bloke with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and swimming laps of the pool?
Clever dick.

[mooseman]

What did the blind, deaf, quadreplegic kid get for christmas?
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.
.
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Cancer.

[mooseman]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape the nazis....

[mooseman]

Just thought of one of my classic favourites.


Why don't you run over an abbo on a pushbike in your street.


Chances are its your bike.

[galapogos01]

keep them coming!

[Schmee]

What did the banana say to the vibrator..........?????????

dunno what you're shaking for she's gonna eat me....


Little Johnny and his old man are walking thru the park when Johnny spots 2 dogs in the back of the park going for it chockers and asks
" Dad what are those 2 doggies doing over there one on top of the other..??"
"Well Johnny" says Dad "Those 2 doggies are mates and the doggie at the backs got sore paws so the doggie at the front is gonna do him a favour and let his mate rest his paws on his shoulders and give him a lift home"
"Isnt that just typical Dad"
"what do you mean son..??"
"you do a freind a favour and he fucks you in the ass................."

A few months later walking through the same park they come across a dead bird little Johnny looks up and asks his Dad" What's that little birdy doing there not moving, with his legs in the air Dad?"
Dad replies " He's died son and he's waiting for to god to reach down and pick him up and take him up to heaven"
"Boy Dad are we lucky!"
"what do you mean son??"
"we nearly lost Mum the other day"
"WHAT?"
"I was walking past you room while you was at work and there was Mum on the bed legs in the air screaming GOD I"M CUMMING"
"FUCKEN WHAT....???"
"Yeah if it wasn't for the postman we'd have fucken lost her........."

theres more to come give me time
Kev

[oneredED]

Two engineering students are takin' a break from their studies and decide to walk and grab a bite to eat at the takeaway shop. As they're walking, all of a sudden a beautiful porn-stare like blonde with huge boobs rides up on a bike. She rides straight up to the two engineering fellas, drops the bike, rips off all her clothes and says
"You can have anything you want!"
So one fella picks up the bike, whilst the other says
"Yeah good move, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway".

[UNEZED]

wat do ya get wen theres 1 abo, 3 chinks and 5 niggas sittin on the lawn
boong chink chink chink nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga
a sprinkler

some of the ones above are funni as fuk

[Jim Beam]

http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/introduction.htm

[EdFairmontGhia]

Q)What does a Tampon, a Maxie pad, and Saddam hosain all have in common?
A)They all Irratate Bush.

Q)Whats warm and soft, when you go to bed, and hard, and stiff in the morning
A)Vomit

Q)Why do women have foreheads?
A)So men have a place to kiss them after a Blowjob

Q)What kind of file do you use to make a small hole larger
A)A Pedophile

Q)Why did the guy buy his wife, a coat and a dildo for her birthday?
A)He figured if she dont like coat, she could go **** herself

Q)What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A)Divorced

Q: Why did God invent yeast infections?
A: So that women too would know what it's like to live with an irritating ****!
Q) What is the Defferance between a blonde and an ironing board?
A) An Ironing boards legs are harder to get open

Q) How do you confuse a blonde?
A)put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q)How does a blonde Confuse you?
A)she comes out and tells you she did it.

Two blondes are walking down the Street, one blonde says look at that dog with< one eye. the other blonde puts her hand over her eye and goes where.

Q) how does a blonde get a tan?
A)She sits under a tree.

Q)How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
A)Her Tampon is in her ear, and she cant find her pencil.

Q)What did the blondes father say to his blonde daughter?
A)If your not in bed by 11 come home.

Q)What did one blondes leg say to the Other?
A)Between you and me, we could make a lot of money.

Q)What does blondes and Computers have in common?
A) They both go down.

Q)What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A)They both been laid all over America.

Q)How do you know a blondes been using a computer?
A)The Joystick is wet.

Q)What does a blonde put behind her ear to make herself more attractive?
A)Her Ankles.

[SHY4D]

Little Johnny is walking in the park with his dad and sees to dogs going at it. He asks his dad what they're doing, he replys "They're baking cakes son". Then Johnny says " Well i know you and mum were baking cakes on the couch last night, coz i licked the icing off the couch".


Johnny runs to his mum and asks " Mum, why does granny have a prawn hanging from her fanny?". Mum says "thats not a prawn dear". Johnny goes " Well it sure tastes like one."

[Rollin]

What's yellow and can't swim?
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A Bulldozer...

What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?

A baby with its floaties slashed.
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Whats green and yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?

Same baby 3 weeks later...

[Eb Barbie]

Little Johnny is walking in the park with his dad and sees to dogs going at it. He asks his dad what they're doing, he replys "They're baking cakes son". Then Johnny says " Well i know you and mum were baking cakes on the couch last night, coz i licked the icing off the couch".


Johnny runs to his mum and asks " Mum, why does granny have a prawn hanging from her fanny?". Mum says "thats not a prawn dear". Johnny goes " Well it sure tastes like one."

Ewwww, thats seedy!

[Gozza]

Whats the best thing about fucking a 2 year old girl?

you can roll her over and its just as good as fucking a 2 year old boy



whats better than 8 babies in a garbage bin?

1 baby in 8 garbage bins

[Gunns]

What does one fag say to another fag going on vacation?
Can I help you pack your shit?

What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac!

I like black people . . .
. . I used to have some black friends 'till my dad sold them!

Why do black people have white hands?
Everyone has some good in them!

[Gunns]

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in an oven!

How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle?
54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

What did the little German boy get for his birthday?
Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew

What happens when a Jew with an errection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose

[burnt turtle]

thats soooooooo funny fellas can't stop laughing

[Gozza]

Ok im reduced to Aboriginal Jokes

What do they use for abortion's?


Yabbi Pumps

[Wave_Man]

There needs to be more jokes...

How do you know when your mum is on her period?




When your dad comes out wearing the Dolmio Grin!

[Amon]

OH f*** i cant stop laughing...

Q.How do u get 5 babies in a bucket?
A. A blender

Q.How do u get them out of the bucket?
A.Dorito's

Q: What's better than skiing down the mountain at Bulla?
A: Running down the slopes in Springvale.

F***in HILARIOUS and im as asian as they come...

[oneredED]

What's grey and comes in pints?




An elephant.





Why do you wrap guinea pigs in duct tape?



So they don't explode when you **** 'em.

[Amon]

whats long an hard on a black man?
the 3rd grade

[stuiesEB]

Q. wats the difference between a nigga and a pot hole?

A. u swerve for a pot hole

[TriymeD]

2 guys and a bloke were sitting on a train, the two guys were farting away, "poooh" goes one dude, other one says thats nothing listen to this "poooooohhhh". This goes on for a while. Then the bloke sitting on his own let out a absolutely rip snorter of a fat deep fart that would impress your mates! The guy sitting next to his friend says "quick, get him, he's a virgin!"...............