Jeremy Clarkson

[SLY347]

Jeremy Clarkson Quotes - Top Gear SB

'I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit
like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If
you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen.'

'We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird
Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish
really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where
you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like
kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet
fighter. And lots of jelly.'

About the Porsche Cayman S: 'There are many things I'd rather be doing
than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in
a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean'

'... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying
there will be no war with Germany'

'America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for
wanker'

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: 'It couldn't pull a greased
stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: 'there is a word to describe this car: it
begins with 's' and ends with 't' and its not 'soot.'
Hammond: 'So its fairly terrible then?'
Clarkson: 'Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
league of badness!'

’Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and
that long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced
waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the
Stig!'

'The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite'

'Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's
what gets you.'

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw.'

'Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable
than what... BEING STABBED?'

'The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible
was Adolf Hitler.'

(Fed up during the caravanning trip) 'You aren't allowed to have a party,
you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games,
you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of
a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven.
This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!'

'This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got
syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.''

On the Mercedes CLs55: 'Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be
less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.'

'I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?'

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'Trespassers in the motorcars
domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the
road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an
obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.'

'I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a
reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari
pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a
car', and drove off. What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet
faced, leaf-eating ninny'.'

'Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
they don't have wheel-chair access.'

'If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the
air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10
years.'

'Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit
dodgy.'

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: 'Well Mr
Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes
which way her parents voted?'

'Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!'

On the Lotus Elise: 'This car is more fun than the entire French air
force crashing into a firework factory.'

'Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is 600 Lbs and
that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate...'

'I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The
problem with this car is its gearbox, its just....'
Hammond: 'THAT bad is it?'
Clarkson: 'Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different
league.'

'In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put
it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their
customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.'


'The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was
on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them.'

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come
apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!'
Hammond: 'I had a lot on: I was doing 288mph.'
Clarkson: 'What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the
phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion
walks in, I'm going to notice it!'

'Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for
a murderer.'

'I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty
to be on my plate at supper time.'

'There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face.'

'Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can
be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour
close up of some bloke's sweaty face.'

'Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you
like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps.'

'You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i won't go to
Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
woman!'

'Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
President.'

On the Porsche Cayenne: 'Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous
wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.'

[Bipolar]

Phunny kent.

[93edxr6]

not to be anoing but this was in the show last night..

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw.'

should read


'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be like an asthmatic ,mouse in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw.'

[[Sterling]]

ah wasint the mouse coughing not blowing throu a straw?

[93edxr6]

hahaha i think so i dont really know my sellf

[smokin ef]

haha hes a farkin funny kent!! not a bad bunch of blokes considering there poms

[Rollin]

'Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
President.'

I have a top gear episode here where he drives an eary Viper ~94 model or something, and he can't stop raving about how much he loves it - the new one is fasterer and yet he doesn't like it? WTF.

Jeremy might be funny but he is teh massiv suck at driving, absolutely ham-fisted mother of a man.

I remember him driving an elise on their test track, and he was complaining about how badly it understeered, saying that the front tyres were too small etc, how crap it felt.

They got a Lotus test driver to take him out for a run and the guy was power oversteering it everywhere like a mad kent.

Jeremy was like "how can you get it to do that? I couldn't do it, what are you doing to make it do that?"

His reply was "We set the cars up so that less talented drivers encounter safe understeer at the limit, because it's wasier to control, but also in such a way that the more talented drivers can drive it neutrally or have a bit of fun"

Pwnd.

[[Sterling]]

ROLLIN FOR TOP GEAR AUSTRALIA!

[JamieEDXR6]

2 words... Le Gend.

Wish more TV personalities were that blunt and politically incorrect.

Anyone see the crash? they swore never to show clips of it in future shows, so I guess you'll have to get hold of the actual episode, not even sure they'll put it on DVD.

Not really that exciting, but worth seeing just for the simple fact that it's a jet powered car coming unstuck at speed.

[Damo]

yeah I couldn't read all that. Oh well.